weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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