I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
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Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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