Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
she pinky promised me she was 18
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
