Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
