You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
