I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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