Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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