If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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