I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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