fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
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No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
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I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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