Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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