i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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