so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize
