i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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