Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
