She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
how drunk are you?
Several
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
