My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
