wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
