He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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