God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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