Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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