nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
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Do I have a choice?
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After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
