I murdered the dance floor call the cops
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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