i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
