Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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