my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Watching her eat just hurts me
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Randomize
