Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
