I just made out with a guy for $7.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
fuck your aforementioned shoe
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
