All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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