I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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