I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Randomize
