I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
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