you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
