mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
