I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
