swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
