He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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