Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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