I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
This can only be settled by a dance off.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
