if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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