he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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