And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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