So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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