I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
