Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I DEMAND FORESKIN
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
