This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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