just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
