Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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