Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
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he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
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On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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