You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
