he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
