The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
