Umm I'm too high to move.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
you inspire me to be a worse person
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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