2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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