Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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