If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
