let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
