If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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