I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
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