the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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