Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
