He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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