The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
