Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
